Recently, I turned twenty-three years old and just before that we celebrated Thanksgiving and right around that time a friend of mine gave birth to a baby and soon we will be celebrating Christmas. All of these have given me reason to reflect on my life and on the world in general.
Specifically, seeing my friend after she'd given birth gave me pause. She and the baby are both doing well and they both looked great, but she had just given birth a few days before I saw her, so she looked like I felt two/three months ago--tired, sore, proud, and a host of other things along with those easily labeled feelings. Seeing her in the very earliest stages of motherhood made me realize that I made it! I sort of felt that when I wrote during my last entry, but seeing her really drove that home. Patrick's aunt told me that it would happen. She said soon after she got one of her children (she adopted both of them), she wondered how she'd ever manage, but then months later she was working and a woman walked in with a newborn and the woman just looked exhausted and Pattie said, "I realized I'd made it!" And that's just exactly how I felt seeing my friend.
Looking back, I really feel that the first month or two will never be as fun and pleasant to me as the point we're at now. I almost said it won't be as "precious," but that's hardly true. That first little bit isn't something I would trade for anything. Although giving birth is exhausting (even with an epidural) it's an enormous event that I wouldn't want to replace. And the sleepless nights and the heightened emotional state are draining but the sacrifice is binding. That first bit almost constitutes a mother's contract: "By getting up every two hours or more, by working through my hormone imbalances, by devoting my energy, time, talents, and emotions to you without reservation, I hereby pledge to love you, my child, for all eternity." And besides the things I put into it, I loved his expressions that were so fresh and unstudied. I loved watching him smile even before he was at all conscious of doing it. I loved introducing him to things and knowing it was the first time he'd ever been fed, the first time he'd ever been in a car, the first time he'd ever been on a walk. There are a lot of things to love about the first two months-- a lot of things to cherish.
That being said, I think it's easier to enjoy the period I'm in now while I'm in it. Of course I did have good experiences that I recognized as good experiences in those first two months, but I realized I wasn't having a lot of fun. And I hated that people kept telling me to enjoy the period because I didn't feel like I particularly was and that made me feel like a bad mother. Now he smiles so often and has even started to laugh, and he sleeps much better and I get more sleep so it's easier to enjoy live and feel like a capable proud parent. And I am (proud at least and still working on capable)! I basically think I have the most darling, best baby in the world.
Around this time of thanksgiving and reflection, I am most grateful for the Savior, the Gospel, and my family, especially my wonderful husband and sweet baby, though all our family is fantastic, good, and kind. Having these things in my life makes me feel infinitely, almost unfairly rich. I hope that I can live my life in a way to give back to the Lord and to other people, so that He knows that I have some comprehension of how blessed I am. More than any other time in my life, I feel those blessings abundantly, and I just wanted to share that with all of our devoted (and not so devoted) readers.
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