For those who wondered how Patrick's Lasik experience went, the answer is (and I quote), "possibly the worst experience of my life." In the office we went to, people had their eyes corrected by a doctor inside a glass room. This made it so that you could see it happening-- see them under those machines, see their eyes blown up on the computer above you, see the doctor looking through a mega-telescope to do his amazing/disgusting work. Then, when people had finished, they had to walk out the door and pass by their viewing audience. We were amazed at how composed people were. They came out with sunglasses covering their sensitive eyes and seemed unfazed by the experience. The office was probably glad that Patrick was one of the last in this grouping. He had talked himself into believing that it wouldn't be so bad, although he was pacing like a maniac, wearing holes in their carpet. However, the first thing he said to me on coming out was, "It was awful!" After that, I concluded that maybe everybody else was just putting on a show, or else they were in shock. Not my husband! He says it like it is!
In sum, the psychological effects were miserable. They were described to me in phrases like this: "they suction your eyeball up" and (at the end) "they squirt water on your eye and squeegee it off." The result of these graphic and awful descriptions is that it definitely solidified my no-Lasik-for-me stance. So, for those who wondered when my turn would come (specifically, my friend Debbie), the answer is N-E-V-E-R.
But the psychological effects were only the beginning. Patrick chose an office in Richmond. An office which doesn't routinely give out Valium (in retrospect, it's unclear to us why this is). Instead, they advised him to take Tylenol PM and go home and sleep for 4-6 hours. This is because soon after the procedure, the numbing medicine wears off and the pain is intense. On the forty minute drive home, Patrick was miserable and unable to sleep. While Patrick headed to bed in hopes of being overcome by sleep, I went to pick up the kids, did a few errands, and put the kids to bed (which I admit is not a quiet procedure), and I was startled to see Patrick come into the kitchen at 8 PM, two hours earlier than they recommended . . . and admit that he hadn't slept at all. "What have you been doing all this time?" I asked. He said, "I just lay there rolling around in pain." Ah, yes, just one more failed commercial sales pitch in the course of the twenty-four hours of our own show called Family Life in the episode entitled, "Patrick Meets His Match."
Fortunately, he slept fine that night. Over the course of the last couple of days, 20/20 vision is beginning to overcome misery, so that in a couple of weeks, he's going to be one of those people who says breezily, "It was totally worth it!" But for now the remains of his Lasik experience are medicinal eye drops four times a day, frequent headaches if he focuses too long, and red eyes. If the red eyes don't heal too soon, then he may be able to play that into some sort of zombie costume for Halloween. I rather hope it doesn't come to that because they look awful and he has interviews with two firms this week-- by skype and in person. And, though it isn't true, he looks a little bit drugged, which may not play out well at an interview.
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