Snips and Snails vs. Sugar and Spice

Girls and Boys

My mom tells a story from when she was a new young parent. She says a prevailing parenting philosophy of the time was that children were a clean slate and that parents geared their children towards having boy characteristics and girl characteristics. In respect to this philosophy, my parents thought they would work hard to bring balance to their children. They began working to bring out my older brothers' softer sides by buying them each a doll. From the start, my brothers played with those dolls differently than girls would, but when my mom decided that the "clean slate" philosophy was really hogwash was when she came into a room with my brother standing next to the bed, the doll on the bed . . . with its innards (stuffing in this case) sprawled all around it. My brother pointed to the doll accusingly, and defended himself: "He did it." At that point, my mom came to the conclusion that boys' and girls' brains just work differently, and it isn't all about parenting, and she was okay with that.

Up to this point with Caleb and his friends, I haven't noticed huge differences between the girls and boys, nothing that I could say conclusively, "This is what boy two-year-olds do and this is what girl two-year-olds do." So much seemed as much based on personality as on gender differences. Recently, now as a three-year-old, I've begun to see Caleb and his boy friends mark a clearly different line of thinking and behavior than his girl friends.

There are some interesting things I've observed:

Mothers and Sons

Motherly little three-year-olds sort of translates into "bossy." And I don't mean that unkindly, as I adore Caleb's little girl friends, but it amazes me to hear how they talk to their friends. A few days ago, we were with several friends. One little boy kept trying to get his mom's attention, "Mom! Mom! Mom!" And our little girl friend said, absolutely seriously and repeatedly, "I'm right here. I'm listening. I'm right here." Now, the fact that she was standing there with a doll in a doll stroller might mean simply that she was playing pretend, and I'll grant you that. But then yesterday at Joy School, I listened to her and another little girl both telling the boys to lie down, be quiet, sit here, etc.

The boys? How do they handle this? They seem a little baffled sometimes. They sometimes obey and sometimes resist. When they disapprove of what someone else is doing, do they tell the person what to do? Not unless the other kid is infringing on what they consider their rights-- taking their chair or toy, for instance. And then it's not in terms of what you should do, it's in terms of how you're upsetting me-- that's Mine! I had that first! with the implication being, of course, that you should return it to me. At this age, I think the boys are more likely to call on an adult for assistance. They don't seem to claim any real authority.

Movies and Stories

Another way I see differences is in pretend play. Almost all the girls I know are obsessed with princesses. Their mothers all insist that they haven't done anything to promote this love-- well, not in the beginning, anyway. Once the girls had fastened on it already, then I know they've gotten them princess things for birthdays and Christmas.

The boys are into fighting and war. Caleb is always talking about the good guys and bad guys. We're not an especially aggressive family, although we do participate in some mean pillow fights. All the boys yesterday at Joy School were running around after each other saving the world.

I was trying to think about how this happens, and I think it must be from stories and movies-- what draws their attention and what they take into their play--is just different.

Relationships

The other day, we went to a bounce house with one of Caleb's favorite friends. There are all these different blow-up bouncing houses there, and the kids would run around from one to the other to go through the mazes and down the slides. When they got separated, Caleb's friend would run around asking, "Where's Caleb? Where's Caleb?" She was eager to find him and connect with him and be with him. Now this little girl is one of Caleb's favorite little friends. They play amazingly together, but when I would ask Caleb "don't you want to find" her? He would say, "No." It wasn't that he doesn't care about her. I know he loves her. He just didn't need to be with her to establish the friendship. As a woman, I could relate more to the little girl. I felt like he should want to play with her; or that as a good friend, he should go find her. I had to just separate myself from it and admit this might just be one of many moments to come when I would have to accept that his way-- the boy way-- is an okay way, even if it's different than my way--the girl way.

Conclusion

In short, I'm having an awesome time observing and learning from these little children surrounding me. And I love them all, boys and girls. Do you notice these same sorts of things? What do you see that shows how girls and boys are different when they are little?